I just threw up on my dentist
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
as a side note pls kill me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
