Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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