Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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