why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
