I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
PANTIES FOUND
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