Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We got so high we made milksteak
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
