and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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