Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
