Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
