I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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