is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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