If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
