i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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