For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
