my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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