Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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