You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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