also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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