u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
