Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
