You smell like a Billy Joel song
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
