you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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