I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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