I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
well you can't waste a boner
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
