I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
