$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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