I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
