There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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