How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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