I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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