i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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