I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he just fucked me for my cheese..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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