4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
