I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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