im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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