I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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