I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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