Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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