My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize