please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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