the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
