I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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