don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
