The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
