Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize