And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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