I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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