Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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