I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
