I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
