I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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