Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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