just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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