You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
ttyl tear gas
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is Oprah even human
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
