I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
