Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize