when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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