Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
