My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
