I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
